running on empty

So this morning I woke up 30 minutes later than I normally do. I have to be at work at my preschool at 8:15 every morning. Actually it's 8:00 every monday because we have prayer meeting with all the teachers(which I manage to forget every week)and I didn't roll out of bed till about 8:05. I immediently started moaning and whimpering at the idea of going to work, and usually that doesn't happen. I have 2 of the best jobs in the world, I teach children all day, and do make-up. I couldn't ask for more. But getting out of my bed seemed more dreadful that normal. I was annoyed. I didnt do my hair, I threw some pop tarts in the toaster -which means I was obviously taking care of my figure- and half-arsed-ly put on some powder, threw together the most heinous outfit, and left. On my way to work I felt pressure on my brain. Kind of like if it pushes any harder it might just squish it from the weight.

I felt pure hatered for my life and everything and everyone in it. (haha dramatic much?) and then just started bawling. I had my husband call me and I just sat in the parking lot and cried to him "I don't wanna go to work! I don't wanna! I'm so tired, I'm so tired of this! boo who who who who. I can't do this anymore, It's just Im so tired! I just want to go back to bed!"....This carried on for a few minutes and honestly I had no shame, I sounded like the echo of a 4 year old who is cranky as all hell, and needed an afternoon nap. After I realized what I had just done, I was horrifed even with myself. What the heck was that all about?

Now to clear up how this all came about. Life has been moment after moment work for Scott and I lately. We are ALWAYS busy. We are ALWAYS doing something. We are probably the busiest people out of all of our friends we know (except for maybe Ben and Callista who live hectic lives as well). Scott has to work full time. He gets up at 5 in the morning, every morning and goes to work. He works everday till 2. After he gets off work, he has school. Sometimes at 2, sometimes at 4, sometimes at 5. But no matter what time, he still has to squeeze in his studying and tests. We usually only see eachother for an hour or 2 a day. I work every morning at 8. I work till 12:15. And then I go to school every night from 5 till 10 pm. In between 12:30 and 5 I get things done; errands, cleaning, whatever I need to get done in the time frame...most of the time I am not home. Then I am scheduled every weekend at Macy's where I usually work a full 8 hour shift. But this Halloween weekend I had the pleasure of being scheduled all day Friday and all day Saturday, 8 hours. I had no day off this week. On the weekend when we can find some time we try to fit in dates, hanging out with friends, social events, anything else that is planed into our lives. And when I'm not doing that I am usually beating my self up with bat about how I am not good enough...not a good enough wife, not a good enough friend, not GOOD enough. (I am my harshest critic)I try to do it all, I am a perfectionist in a lot of things and if it is not perfectly how I want it, then I have failed and I let myself have it. I do not give myself a break, I do not relax. And I really need to learn that concept.

But all in all I am realizing that although we are well balanced in our lives with a wide variety of school, work, and friends, there is just too much of all of it.
I don't want to seem like I am just complaining about my life. I love my life. I enjoy it. I love my family, I love my close friends, I love my husband and I am so blessed, but I have realized you can only run your car on empty for so long before it just breaks down. It is nieve to think a car will run on no fuel. I knew that doing what we were doing was going to be hard, working full time and school for both of us, but its just harder than I expected. And the worst part about it is I hold it all in. I don't tell ym friends. When I get overwhelmed I just hide away. My friends don't see me. I hibernate. I don't talk to them, I just get angry. The only person who gets the lashings of inner feelings vomit is Scott and then he gets the pleasure of also carrying my burden. I have a hard time coming out about what im feeling personally, I have a hard time opening up if I don't trust you. I close myself off and alot of time people think its them, its not them. It me. I just need a good friend right now, someone who just wants to sit with me and listen to me cry. I need to cry bad. haha

Im overwhelmed. We could use a break. I think we need some us time. We need some alone time...


Basically we need a vacation

...but first, a nap for the 4 year old :)