Sometimes it hard to realize that bad things happen to other people than just you. Sometimes I forget that Im not the only one who has a pet die, a siblings house burn down, loses a job, or gets an illness. But when you're right in the middle of it, you feel like you are the only one; and it is lonely.
A lot of people have been asking me what has been going on, a lot of people are worried about me, and this post is for them, because if you have to come to this page on purpose you are probably looking for an answer to what happened. This is to let everyone know that I'm ok. I'm going to be ok. I'm hurting...a lot. But this is to rest assured to everyone that I'll eventually be ready to talk about it openly. I don't want to talk about it now. I haven't completly figured out how to deal with it yet. So if you have written me on facebook, called me, or texted me and I haven't responded, I love you and I truly appreciate your concern and when I'm ready I will tell everyone what happened. But not right now.
Im hibernating, with Scott, and waiting for a while till I feel better. But I will come back soon, promise.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Haircut from HELL
Its 5:30 am as I write this. I write this because I have only gotten 3 hours of sleep, and I was waken by my husband getting ready for work, while I was asleeep out on the couch, and I have been sadly startled back into the reality of what I had been mourning the loss of last night and trying to cope with by watching infomercials at 2 am. My hair. Tuesday I recieved the haircut from HELL. I cannot recall to many times in life when I have recieved a haircut that has shaken my entire being into depression like this haircut. Ok, this is the first time. I got a haircut when I was 20 by an at home stylist my mom had cut her hair, and she was cheap, and I was cheap, and I regretted using her. I have maintained that that has always been my worst haircut, but this one has almost left that one as a distant memory.
As many of you know I cut my hair short into an a-line back in September. As all of you should remember before that I had LONG hair. It wasnt starlet quality, but it was full, long, and beautiful. I cannot pull of many changes to my hair, I cant do blonde, I cant do wild colors, and honestly a classic shape is what really looks best on me. I have had long hair my entire life. When I was a kid I had hair almost to my stomach. But that is why I cut it, I wanted a change. I wanted drastic, and I wanted to try it short for once in my life.
A few of you know that I regretted that almost immediently. Sure I looked cute with short hair, but I no longer looked vixenish, or "pretty" I was 23 and I mearly looked "cute" almost like 5 years old cute. I was on a mission to grow it back. I haven't cut my hair since Septemeber, and Tuesday I looked and my hair and realized that I needed to cut this grown out a-line into a one length. The length in the front was no longer a-line appropriate, and it had reached its awkward length. I wanted a TRIM. I wanted layers starting at the nape of my neck, rounding it out, and I wanted a little bit of bang in front.
...I recieved a Mullet.
I had a friend at school cut it. FIRST MISTAKE! How could I forget that you don't let someone who has never cut your hair before, cut your hair unless you are ready to take a gamble with the outcome of it??? It was at school no less. My friend is a great hairdresser undoubtably. But mistakes and accidents do happen, and like all things in life it is nieve to think they wont happen to you. My layers start about 4 or 5 inches from the top of my head, are not blended into the bottom of my hair, most of the weight is gone from the hair. and since it was all taken from the top, it is very bulky and thick all the way around the top of my head, with thin no body pieces underneath, it doesnt help that I have a swoop where ALLLLLLL the length was cut of from under, leaving me with the perfect mullet. Way short in front, longer in the back. I basically looked like a mushroom. After the intially shock tuesday I didnt hate it, I gave it the benefit of the doubt thinking I would sleep on it, style it in the morning and see how I feel. Wednesday morning I woke up, styled it, and had a nervous breakdown. It was a disaster. It even had a hole in it, where all the length had been cut off underneath.
I went to work where my co-workers tried to smooth it over for me, trying to give me advice, trying to tell me "you have a beautiful face. You're lucky you still have that" and more over just offering their sympathy. One of my preschoolers even said "teacher, what happened to your hair???"..."I cut it"...."It looks weird." When a 4 year old know your hair looks like crap, you really gotta problem. I went home and tried out my hair extentions. More mullety. I didnt even know that was possible, but apprently it is. That night I went back to school and begged by LL Kristy to fix the ther girls work. She did as best as she could to fix the damage considering it was a disaster site. She worked and worked and finally got it to be as non-mullety as possible.
Still mullety. You know that movie with Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning about the girl band in the 80's? Janice Joplin I think? Yup that's me! Yesterday wasnt until it really hit me. I styled it at school, did everything I could think of to try and make it look normal. Its horrifying.
Some people think im being too dramatic about the whole thing, what I say to them is, what if this was you? what if you had LONG, beautiful REAL hair, and fast forward to a year later and you look like a Beetle. You may not be sad, but I bet anything you would be pissed. I just would like to deal with it in my own way, and if talking about it and getting out is my way, then deal with it. I feel mostly bad because I felt like my hair was all a had left. I havent felt very pretty lately. I have been down on myself because I have gained some weigth in the recent months, and my skin is horrible right now. I look like im 14. And may skin was better when I was freaking 14years old. I just feel like I dont have anything left now that my hair is destroyed. I have compared myself to a Beetle, a Jonas Brother, Janis Joplin. Its been great. It didnt really hit me until last night at home when I was already having a mini meltdown about something totally different. Everything has been a meltdown for me lately and THIS has just amplified that. Caper in Vegas is in 2 weeks. Im going and I am terrified to meet John Paul Degoria with my hair like this. "HI! Im a student at your school, Im professional and I would like to be taken seriously as a hair artist,and have an opportunity to work among the best, and p.s. yes I rock a mullet!" Im dreading it. I may be dramatic, but the fact of the matter is this is a pretty dramatic haircut. I have never had ANYTHING like this, and its not me at all.
Last night after FINALLY giving up on any last hope of salvaging my hair into something pretty I came to terms with it. And the terms were not pretty. I had an anxiety attack at 1 am. I couldn't sleep. I felt sick to my stomach, I felt jittery. I wanted to punch someone in the face, and more than anything I wish and longed for my old hair back, or even just to go back to Tuesday night and not get my hair cut. I felt like a tragity had happened in my life, like I was grieving the loss of a pet or a loved one. I had to sleep on the couch just to distact myself from my sadness over my hair.
When woken this morning those same anxiety filled feelings came rushing back immendiently. There is nothing I can do but wait. Wait for it to grow out. Wait for it to be normal again which may be a long time. Until then I trying to come to terms with wearing my hair up most of the time until its not awkward anymore. I will be pinning it back, out of the way, putting whats left in a ponytail or clip. Trying not to look at it when I can help it, because looking it and knowing its their makes me literally sick to my stomach or like I want to shave it off. Im not too proud to tell you that I actually was looking at wigs online yesterday. I know someday I will look back at this and laugh, and I will be laughing with long gorgeous hair. But right now its not funny, its just sad.
*sigh*
lets cross our fingers for a quick recovery.
p.s. you will probably never see me again with short hair. I tried it and at least I tried that. I learned my lesson. I told my husband he was allowed to duct tape me to the floor if I ever try and do this short thing again. He agreed.
As many of you know I cut my hair short into an a-line back in September. As all of you should remember before that I had LONG hair. It wasnt starlet quality, but it was full, long, and beautiful. I cannot pull of many changes to my hair, I cant do blonde, I cant do wild colors, and honestly a classic shape is what really looks best on me. I have had long hair my entire life. When I was a kid I had hair almost to my stomach. But that is why I cut it, I wanted a change. I wanted drastic, and I wanted to try it short for once in my life.
A few of you know that I regretted that almost immediently. Sure I looked cute with short hair, but I no longer looked vixenish, or "pretty" I was 23 and I mearly looked "cute" almost like 5 years old cute. I was on a mission to grow it back. I haven't cut my hair since Septemeber, and Tuesday I looked and my hair and realized that I needed to cut this grown out a-line into a one length. The length in the front was no longer a-line appropriate, and it had reached its awkward length. I wanted a TRIM. I wanted layers starting at the nape of my neck, rounding it out, and I wanted a little bit of bang in front.
...I recieved a Mullet.
I had a friend at school cut it. FIRST MISTAKE! How could I forget that you don't let someone who has never cut your hair before, cut your hair unless you are ready to take a gamble with the outcome of it??? It was at school no less. My friend is a great hairdresser undoubtably. But mistakes and accidents do happen, and like all things in life it is nieve to think they wont happen to you. My layers start about 4 or 5 inches from the top of my head, are not blended into the bottom of my hair, most of the weight is gone from the hair. and since it was all taken from the top, it is very bulky and thick all the way around the top of my head, with thin no body pieces underneath, it doesnt help that I have a swoop where ALLLLLLL the length was cut of from under, leaving me with the perfect mullet. Way short in front, longer in the back. I basically looked like a mushroom. After the intially shock tuesday I didnt hate it, I gave it the benefit of the doubt thinking I would sleep on it, style it in the morning and see how I feel. Wednesday morning I woke up, styled it, and had a nervous breakdown. It was a disaster. It even had a hole in it, where all the length had been cut off underneath.
I went to work where my co-workers tried to smooth it over for me, trying to give me advice, trying to tell me "you have a beautiful face. You're lucky you still have that" and more over just offering their sympathy. One of my preschoolers even said "teacher, what happened to your hair???"..."I cut it"...."It looks weird." When a 4 year old know your hair looks like crap, you really gotta problem. I went home and tried out my hair extentions. More mullety. I didnt even know that was possible, but apprently it is. That night I went back to school and begged by LL Kristy to fix the ther girls work. She did as best as she could to fix the damage considering it was a disaster site. She worked and worked and finally got it to be as non-mullety as possible.
Still mullety. You know that movie with Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning about the girl band in the 80's? Janice Joplin I think? Yup that's me! Yesterday wasnt until it really hit me. I styled it at school, did everything I could think of to try and make it look normal. Its horrifying.
Some people think im being too dramatic about the whole thing, what I say to them is, what if this was you? what if you had LONG, beautiful REAL hair, and fast forward to a year later and you look like a Beetle. You may not be sad, but I bet anything you would be pissed. I just would like to deal with it in my own way, and if talking about it and getting out is my way, then deal with it. I feel mostly bad because I felt like my hair was all a had left. I havent felt very pretty lately. I have been down on myself because I have gained some weigth in the recent months, and my skin is horrible right now. I look like im 14. And may skin was better when I was freaking 14years old. I just feel like I dont have anything left now that my hair is destroyed. I have compared myself to a Beetle, a Jonas Brother, Janis Joplin. Its been great. It didnt really hit me until last night at home when I was already having a mini meltdown about something totally different. Everything has been a meltdown for me lately and THIS has just amplified that. Caper in Vegas is in 2 weeks. Im going and I am terrified to meet John Paul Degoria with my hair like this. "HI! Im a student at your school, Im professional and I would like to be taken seriously as a hair artist,and have an opportunity to work among the best, and p.s. yes I rock a mullet!" Im dreading it. I may be dramatic, but the fact of the matter is this is a pretty dramatic haircut. I have never had ANYTHING like this, and its not me at all.
Last night after FINALLY giving up on any last hope of salvaging my hair into something pretty I came to terms with it. And the terms were not pretty. I had an anxiety attack at 1 am. I couldn't sleep. I felt sick to my stomach, I felt jittery. I wanted to punch someone in the face, and more than anything I wish and longed for my old hair back, or even just to go back to Tuesday night and not get my hair cut. I felt like a tragity had happened in my life, like I was grieving the loss of a pet or a loved one. I had to sleep on the couch just to distact myself from my sadness over my hair.
When woken this morning those same anxiety filled feelings came rushing back immendiently. There is nothing I can do but wait. Wait for it to grow out. Wait for it to be normal again which may be a long time. Until then I trying to come to terms with wearing my hair up most of the time until its not awkward anymore. I will be pinning it back, out of the way, putting whats left in a ponytail or clip. Trying not to look at it when I can help it, because looking it and knowing its their makes me literally sick to my stomach or like I want to shave it off. Im not too proud to tell you that I actually was looking at wigs online yesterday. I know someday I will look back at this and laugh, and I will be laughing with long gorgeous hair. But right now its not funny, its just sad.
*sigh*
lets cross our fingers for a quick recovery.
p.s. you will probably never see me again with short hair. I tried it and at least I tried that. I learned my lesson. I told my husband he was allowed to duct tape me to the floor if I ever try and do this short thing again. He agreed.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Sledding Trip (the best & the worst)
Last night we had the MOST fun, scary, long, and worry-sick night of our lives. After Scott and I got home from visiting his family in Hunstville, our friends Bj and Aubrey had come down from Salt Lake for a mission farewell the next day. It was almost 10 pm and they invited us to go sledding with them! Us being the spontaneous people we are, jumped on the idea. We were going to go up into Price canyon in Springville where Bj' parents live. He lives in the mountains so he had the coolest little sledding trip planned for us which involved a little path up into the mountain that you could only get to by four-wheeler.
We got ready to go, and I layered up with and undershirt, thermal shirt, sweatshirt, and snowborading coat. Leggings, and 2 pairs of sweat pants, 2 pairs of socks, boots, and of course gloves. Scott layered up with 1 shirt, and one sweatshirt, and a regular coat. JEANS, and a pair of Nikes...no gloves..until Bj gave him some.(mind you he served his mission in Alaska, thus making him completly "invincible" against cold.) He teased me a little wondering if it was necessary to wear that much clothes. I laughed out loud that he wasn't wearing that much clothes. I told him he would regret it, and I would have the last laugh.
The path was SO fun to get to. 6 of us pilled into the truck, including new friends James and Nicole. We got to the shed and picked up the MASSIVE 4-wheeler we were using to get up the mountain. 3 people in the front, 3 people hanging off the back. I tried sitting on the back once...but Scott was bouncing from the hills and sat completly down on my bent knee, almost making me cry. I sat up front the rest of the time.
It took a good 10 to 15 mintues to get all the way up to the top of this hill on the ATV. At first we made short trips, not going the whole way up the path, but after sledding down those it was a better idea to go as high as we could go. The sledding was SO fun. We would all go at the same time and BJ would follow us in the ATV so the headlights gave a little light to the path, and the at the bottomw drive us all back up to the top. The path was an ATV path that was pretty narrow and full of bumps. It wasnt very steep, but those bumps were misleading. Imagine moguls while snowboarding, except you are flying down the hill on your butt with no way to stop. It was a blast! We would lose our sleds from us rolling off, or we would hit a bump and fly off with the sled still going. Scott was the scariest person down the hill, he would be totally silent and be roaring down the hill behind you, while you are there trying to get back on your sled. You didnt even know he was pummeling like a train towards you until you had 3 seconds to dodge out of his way.
After about 2 hours of sledding we were pretty beat. We went all the way back to the top and sled down one more time. I was the second one down after Aubrey, and we waiting for everyone else. About 10 minutes later, Nicole met us at the bottom. She told us that the ATV was stuck at the top in deep powder and they were trying to get it out. We didnt think it would take too long, so we waited...for an hour. They never came down so we decided to head back to the house. We walked for an hour back to Bj's house without the boys. Once we got inside we decided to put on a movie and wait, thinking they would be home very soon. We fell asleep and I woke up suddenly at 2am. They were still not home. I got the most horrible feeling that something was wrong. There was no way that they would had been stuck up there for 2 and half hours, and even if they were still stuck they would have been smart enough to just leave it. I knew something had happened. I woke the other girls up because I was freaking out. I began thinking the worst case senario, that something had happened to Scott, because I was reminded that he was ill prepared to be in such conditions for such a long time. I was so worried I almost made myself throw up. I was so upset thinking about what happened, and I was horrified about what would happen if something happened to Scott and what I would do without him. The girls talked about what we should do and we came to the conclusion that we needed to pray. I said a pray for our boys, that they were safe, that whatever was happening, that we would be guided into what the right thing to do would be. I closed up the prayer, and 2 minutes later we heard someone coming in. It was BJ and he was alone.
BJ looked so angry and upset. He reassured me that Scott was fine, and him and James were walking, but that after they finally got the ATV out of the snow, the entire wheel fell off, still at the top. Scott came in a few minutes later, and I greeted him crying, on the verge of puking all over him, and he was soaked to the core. He said they had to go back into the mountain to fix the wheel because currently it was propped up under a tree branch like a car jack. Scott was given warm clothes and they headed off to fix the tire.
This time I felt much more releaved because we had prayed and I knew that the Lord was going to watch over the boys as they were gone. I also was more settled because I had a cream soda and saltines, for my rumbley tummy. The boys came home finally 3 hours later at 5 am. They were all so tired. They hadn't slept all night.
We were happy to have them back though. Scott and I finally got home from Springville at 6 am. Scott has never pulled an all nighter. I sweetly put it that it will feel like he got hit on the face with a bag of bricks. We slept til 2:30 pm. I was so grateful that nothing happened to Scott, I love him so much and am so thankful to have him. Im sad he had to suffer in the cold for so long with his clothes soaked, even though he maintains that he was NOT cold. I guess I really did have the last laugh.
(he fell asleep sitting up lol)
One thing is for sure though...it's time to get Scott some snowboarding clothes.
We got ready to go, and I layered up with and undershirt, thermal shirt, sweatshirt, and snowborading coat. Leggings, and 2 pairs of sweat pants, 2 pairs of socks, boots, and of course gloves. Scott layered up with 1 shirt, and one sweatshirt, and a regular coat. JEANS, and a pair of Nikes...no gloves..until Bj gave him some.(mind you he served his mission in Alaska, thus making him completly "invincible" against cold.) He teased me a little wondering if it was necessary to wear that much clothes. I laughed out loud that he wasn't wearing that much clothes. I told him he would regret it, and I would have the last laugh.
The path was SO fun to get to. 6 of us pilled into the truck, including new friends James and Nicole. We got to the shed and picked up the MASSIVE 4-wheeler we were using to get up the mountain. 3 people in the front, 3 people hanging off the back. I tried sitting on the back once...but Scott was bouncing from the hills and sat completly down on my bent knee, almost making me cry. I sat up front the rest of the time.
It took a good 10 to 15 mintues to get all the way up to the top of this hill on the ATV. At first we made short trips, not going the whole way up the path, but after sledding down those it was a better idea to go as high as we could go. The sledding was SO fun. We would all go at the same time and BJ would follow us in the ATV so the headlights gave a little light to the path, and the at the bottomw drive us all back up to the top. The path was an ATV path that was pretty narrow and full of bumps. It wasnt very steep, but those bumps were misleading. Imagine moguls while snowboarding, except you are flying down the hill on your butt with no way to stop. It was a blast! We would lose our sleds from us rolling off, or we would hit a bump and fly off with the sled still going. Scott was the scariest person down the hill, he would be totally silent and be roaring down the hill behind you, while you are there trying to get back on your sled. You didnt even know he was pummeling like a train towards you until you had 3 seconds to dodge out of his way.
After about 2 hours of sledding we were pretty beat. We went all the way back to the top and sled down one more time. I was the second one down after Aubrey, and we waiting for everyone else. About 10 minutes later, Nicole met us at the bottom. She told us that the ATV was stuck at the top in deep powder and they were trying to get it out. We didnt think it would take too long, so we waited...for an hour. They never came down so we decided to head back to the house. We walked for an hour back to Bj's house without the boys. Once we got inside we decided to put on a movie and wait, thinking they would be home very soon. We fell asleep and I woke up suddenly at 2am. They were still not home. I got the most horrible feeling that something was wrong. There was no way that they would had been stuck up there for 2 and half hours, and even if they were still stuck they would have been smart enough to just leave it. I knew something had happened. I woke the other girls up because I was freaking out. I began thinking the worst case senario, that something had happened to Scott, because I was reminded that he was ill prepared to be in such conditions for such a long time. I was so worried I almost made myself throw up. I was so upset thinking about what happened, and I was horrified about what would happen if something happened to Scott and what I would do without him. The girls talked about what we should do and we came to the conclusion that we needed to pray. I said a pray for our boys, that they were safe, that whatever was happening, that we would be guided into what the right thing to do would be. I closed up the prayer, and 2 minutes later we heard someone coming in. It was BJ and he was alone.
BJ looked so angry and upset. He reassured me that Scott was fine, and him and James were walking, but that after they finally got the ATV out of the snow, the entire wheel fell off, still at the top. Scott came in a few minutes later, and I greeted him crying, on the verge of puking all over him, and he was soaked to the core. He said they had to go back into the mountain to fix the wheel because currently it was propped up under a tree branch like a car jack. Scott was given warm clothes and they headed off to fix the tire.
This time I felt much more releaved because we had prayed and I knew that the Lord was going to watch over the boys as they were gone. I also was more settled because I had a cream soda and saltines, for my rumbley tummy. The boys came home finally 3 hours later at 5 am. They were all so tired. They hadn't slept all night.
We were happy to have them back though. Scott and I finally got home from Springville at 6 am. Scott has never pulled an all nighter. I sweetly put it that it will feel like he got hit on the face with a bag of bricks. We slept til 2:30 pm. I was so grateful that nothing happened to Scott, I love him so much and am so thankful to have him. Im sad he had to suffer in the cold for so long with his clothes soaked, even though he maintains that he was NOT cold. I guess I really did have the last laugh.
(he fell asleep sitting up lol)
One thing is for sure though...it's time to get Scott some snowboarding clothes.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Delicious...
I'll be the first to admit that I am not the healthiest person in the world. Im not big into working out and I am for SURE more into food that tastes good, than food that is good for me. But lately I have found that I NEED to be eating healthier, and I have been trying to find things to eat and make that are a little healthier but still taste wonderful. Is there such a thing? Yes, and its SOOOOO easy. I am the queen of easy, so I promise, it really is easy.
This is a little something I made today for lunch for Scott and I. This is called Taco soup. There are different veriations of the soup, but this is mine.
-1 large can of diced tomatoes
-1 large can of Black beans
-1 large can of Pinto beans
-1 small can of diced green chiles
-1 large can of green enchilada sauce
-1 small onion (chopped)
-1 dry ranch packet
-1 packet of taco seasoning
-1 cup of sweet corn
-1 pound ground beef pre-cooked (I went with the healthier lean turkey ground)
Cook the meat in a skillet with pepper until brown. Combine all cans and ingredients in crock pot. Cook for 30 minutes until onion is cooked....and that's it! Top with cheese and sour cream if you want.
Enjoy! I know I did.
This is a little something I made today for lunch for Scott and I. This is called Taco soup. There are different veriations of the soup, but this is mine.
-1 large can of diced tomatoes
-1 large can of Black beans
-1 large can of Pinto beans
-1 small can of diced green chiles
-1 large can of green enchilada sauce
-1 small onion (chopped)
-1 dry ranch packet
-1 packet of taco seasoning
-1 cup of sweet corn
-1 pound ground beef pre-cooked (I went with the healthier lean turkey ground)
Cook the meat in a skillet with pepper until brown. Combine all cans and ingredients in crock pot. Cook for 30 minutes until onion is cooked....and that's it! Top with cheese and sour cream if you want.
Enjoy! I know I did.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
SO LONG 2010!
Well here we are! First day of a brand new year!(and the last year before the supposed end of the world...let's make it a good one shall we?!)
Anyway It's crazy to think 2010 is over and gone, just like that. 2010 had been VERY good to me. I got the some of the most amazing blessings, and also some of my hardest challeneges to date. But they all made me grow and mature, for which I am very grateful. Our 2010 to 2011 celebration was a lot of hard partying. HAHA just kidding. I went to the doctor, Scott worked till 8, I made rice-a-roni for dinner, we went to a movie, Tangled to be exact, came home 10 mins before midnight, I played Super Mario Bros for 20 minutes. We got in our new years kiss, and went to bed. Although my New Year was totally different than last year, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. 2010 gave me the biggest blessing of my life. Marriage to my wonderful husband. I would rather spend every night at home on the couch eating rice-a-roni with him, than partying with hundreds of people I don't know, at some hotel party until the next morning, when I throw up in some bush, and cant find my left shoe.
Ah yes, this is the good life. Im going to look back on 2010 and highlight all my favorite experiences of this year:
January: Spent New Years with my best friend and had my bachelorette party
February: We got married
...and went on our honeymoon to Cancun, Mexico
March: Moved into our sweet little home
April: Krishna Holi Festival
June:We got sweet Stinkerella
September: I started at Paul Mitchell
November: Scott picked a major and we had Thanksgiving with his family
December: Spent Christmas with my family
This year has been a blast. I cannot wait to see what 2011 has in store for us!
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