Its 5:30 am as I write this. I write this because I have only gotten 3 hours of sleep, and I was waken by my husband getting ready for work, while I was asleeep out on the couch, and I have been sadly startled back into the reality of what I had been mourning the loss of last night and trying to cope with by watching infomercials at 2 am. My hair. Tuesday I recieved the haircut from HELL. I cannot recall to many times in life when I have recieved a haircut that has shaken my entire being into depression like this haircut. Ok, this is the first time. I got a haircut when I was 20 by an at home stylist my mom had cut her hair, and she was cheap, and I was cheap, and I regretted using her. I have maintained that that has always been my worst haircut, but this one has almost left that one as a distant memory.
As many of you know I cut my hair short into an a-line back in September. As all of you should remember before that I had LONG hair. It wasnt starlet quality, but it was full, long, and beautiful. I cannot pull of many changes to my hair, I cant do blonde, I cant do wild colors, and honestly a classic shape is what really looks best on me. I have had long hair my entire life. When I was a kid I had hair almost to my stomach. But that is why I cut it, I wanted a change. I wanted drastic, and I wanted to try it short for once in my life.
A few of you know that I regretted that almost immediently. Sure I looked cute with short hair, but I no longer looked vixenish, or "pretty" I was 23 and I mearly looked "cute" almost like 5 years old cute. I was on a mission to grow it back. I haven't cut my hair since Septemeber, and Tuesday I looked and my hair and realized that I needed to cut this grown out a-line into a one length. The length in the front was no longer a-line appropriate, and it had reached its awkward length. I wanted a TRIM. I wanted layers starting at the nape of my neck, rounding it out, and I wanted a little bit of bang in front.
...I recieved a Mullet. I had a friend at school cut it. FIRST MISTAKE! How could I forget that you don't let someone who has never cut your hair before, cut your hair unless you are ready to take a gamble with the outcome of it??? It was at school no less. My friend is a great hairdresser undoubtably. But mistakes and accidents do happen, and like all things in life it is nieve to think they wont happen to you. My layers start about 4 or 5 inches from the top of my head, are not blended into the bottom of my hair, most of the weight is gone from the hair. and since it was all taken from the top, it is very bulky and thick all the way around the top of my head, with thin no body pieces underneath, it doesnt help that I have a swoop where ALLLLLLL the length was cut of from under, leaving me with the perfect mullet. Way short in front, longer in the back. I basically looked like a mushroom. After the intially shock tuesday I didnt hate it, I gave it the benefit of the doubt thinking I would sleep on it, style it in the morning and see how I feel. Wednesday morning I woke up, styled it, and had a nervous breakdown. It was a disaster. It even had a hole in it, where all the length had been cut off underneath.
I went to work where my co-workers tried to smooth it over for me, trying to give me advice, trying to tell me "you have a beautiful face. You're lucky you still have that" and more over just offering their sympathy. One of my preschoolers even said "teacher, what happened to your hair???"..."I cut it"...."It looks weird." When a 4 year old know your hair looks like crap, you really gotta problem. I went home and tried out my hair extentions. More mullety. I didnt even know that was possible, but apprently it is. That night I went back to school and begged by LL Kristy to fix the ther girls work. She did as best as she could to fix the damage considering it was a disaster site. She worked and worked and finally got it to be as non-mullety as possible.
Still mullety. You know that movie with Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning about the girl band in the 80's? Janice Joplin I think? Yup that's me! Yesterday wasnt until it really hit me. I styled it at school, did everything I could think of to try and make it look normal. Its horrifying.
Some people think im being too dramatic about the whole thing, what I say to them is, what if this was you? what if you had LONG, beautiful REAL hair, and fast forward to a year later and you look like a Beetle. You may not be sad, but I bet anything you would be pissed. I just would like to deal with it in my own way, and if talking about it and getting out is my way, then deal with it. I feel mostly bad because I felt like my hair was all a had left. I havent felt very pretty lately. I have been down on myself because I have gained some weigth in the recent months, and my skin is horrible right now. I look like im 14. And may skin was better when I was freaking 14years old. I just feel like I dont have anything left now that my hair is destroyed. I have compared myself to a Beetle, a Jonas Brother, Janis Joplin. Its been great. It didnt really hit me until last night at home when I was already having a mini meltdown about something totally different. Everything has been a meltdown for me lately and THIS has just amplified that. Caper in Vegas is in 2 weeks. Im going and I am terrified to meet John Paul Degoria with my hair like this. "HI! Im a student at your school, Im professional and I would like to be taken seriously as a hair artist,and have an opportunity to work among the best, and p.s. yes I rock a mullet!" Im dreading it. I may be dramatic, but the fact of the matter is this is a pretty dramatic haircut. I have never had ANYTHING like this, and its not me at all.
Last night after FINALLY giving up on any last hope of salvaging my hair into something pretty I came to terms with it. And the terms were not pretty. I had an anxiety attack at 1 am. I couldn't sleep. I felt sick to my stomach, I felt jittery. I wanted to punch someone in the face, and more than anything I wish and longed for my old hair back, or even just to go back to Tuesday night and not get my hair cut. I felt like a tragity had happened in my life, like I was grieving the loss of a pet or a loved one. I had to sleep on the couch just to distact myself from my sadness over my hair.
When woken this morning those same anxiety filled feelings came rushing back immendiently. There is nothing I can do but wait. Wait for it to grow out. Wait for it to be normal again which may be a long time. Until then I trying to come to terms with wearing my hair up most of the time until its not awkward anymore. I will be pinning it back, out of the way, putting whats left in a ponytail or clip. Trying not to look at it when I can help it, because looking it and knowing its their makes me literally sick to my stomach or like I want to shave it off. Im not too proud to tell you that I actually was looking at wigs online yesterday. I know someday I will look back at this and laugh, and I will be laughing with long gorgeous hair. But right now its not funny, its just sad.
*sigh*lets cross our fingers for a quick recovery.
p.s. you will probably never see me again with short hair. I tried it and at least I tried that. I learned my lesson. I told my husband he was allowed to duct tape me to the floor if I ever try and do this short thing again. He agreed.
