The struggle is finally over.

(The story is long and kind of graphic, my apologizes ahead of time)

I've come to the point now where I can talk about what happened and open up about the most heartbreaking and painful (both mentally and physically) experience I have had so far in my life. The past couple weeks I didn't have all the answers and I didn't want to talk about it until I was totally ready, and now I am. Next weekend is Scott and I's 1 year anniversary and I want to be able have healed and moved on and enjoy that whole experience while still documenting and remembering this one.

On New Years Eve Scott and I found out that I was pregnant. I hadn't been feeling good for about 2 weeks. I had been grouchy, tired, my back was killing me, and I was more broken out then when I was going through puberty. I took a home pregnancy test the day before on Dec. 30th and it came out negative. I was still SURE there was something wrong and if I wasn't pregnant then something else was wrong. We went and got a blood test from the hospital the next day and it came back "weakly positive" I didn't want to get too excited yet until I saw it for myself. I took another HPT 2 mornings later and sure enough, it was positive (faintly). I couldn't believe it so I took 3 more until it was completely dark. So it was official. I was pregnant and Scott and I were SO excited.

We started referring to our baby as "JB" our little jelly bean. I was already in full swing baby mode, looking at outfits online, cribs, and spending a vast majority of my time looking at damask baby blankets in different colors. We already started planning things around our baby who was going to be due September 16th. Our perspectives and priorities changed and we couldn't wait to start our official family together. We wanted to keep the baby a secret as long as we could because we knew so many things can happen during pregnancy and we didn't want to have to be heartbroken if something did. We did tell both our parents and siblings though...and then told our best friends, our best couple friends Ben and Callista and BJ and Aubrey, and then slowly but surely more and more people where finding out. We decided to tell more of our couple friends so they didn't feel out of the loop if they talked to our other friends, and meanwhile someone new back in Colorado was finding out everyday. So long story short...the secret didn't stay a secret for very long.

One Tuesday afternoon while I was taking a nap (like usual) and I was woken up by a horrible stabbing pain in my right side. It was crippling and I immediately knew that something was very wrong. We decided to go to the Emergency Room since we didn't have an OBGYN set up yet. While there they took me into to do a vaginal ultrasound. I was so nervous for what they were going to say, I thought maybe the baby had a problem, maybe I was having an ectopic pregnancy. What really happened totally blindsided me. The tech was very quiet while he did the ultrasound, the only thing he told me was "you have the most tipped uterus I have ever seen"..thanks for being so comforting sir. geez.

After 15 minutes of struggling with the ultrasound they rolled me back to my room and told me to wait for the doctor. When the doctor came in he told me that while doing the ultrasound they found the gestational sac in my uterus which was good, but that the baby was not in there. NOT IN THERE???? where else would the baby be??? I had no idea that could even happen. He told me that the sac was measuring about 6 weeks (i was 6 weeks 4 days) but that they were not seeing the yolk sac, fetal pole, or heartbeat. I didn't know anything about what they were talking about. He said that this could still be an early pregnancy and maybe I am off on my conception dates. I wasn't. I knew exactly when my last period was and I knew exactly when to expect it. He also told me I could be having a miscarriage. He told me that my HCG was only 10,000 which was kind of low for a person 6 and half weeks along. He wanted me to go to an OB on Friday and redo an ultrasound and blood test.

I remained hopeful the next couple days as I did research that showed MANY women with tipped uterus' like mine finding the baby's heartbeat later than other women. I was hopeful that was the case for me. Friday rolled around and I layed there on the table getting my ultrasound as the tech was once again quiet. She said nothing. I gripped Scott's hand and refused to look at the monitor. I cried and I remember saying "please god. please don't make me go through this"

The doctor flipped on the lights and said "I'm sorry, this isn't a viable pregnancy. It looks like there was some chromosomal abnormality and it stopped developing around 4 or 5 weeks." I was totally numb, I had no idea something like this could happen. I though you either had a healthy pregnancy that ended with a baby or an baby that was not healthy and ended immediently in miscarriage, I didn't even know it could stop developing and you still stay pregnant! Then and I asked the tech if there was ANY way there could be something growing still that they just were not seeing. She told undoubtedly no, at this point I could choose to either miscarry naturally, get to abortion pill cytotec for missed miscarriages, or get a D&C. The doctors left me and Scott to talk over the options and to wait to get my blood drawn. We just sat there and hugged each other. After we got home I just got into bed and cried. I didn't feel like I was having a miscarriage, I didn't feel like my baby was dead. I think the hardest part was knowing that our baby had stopped growing and that I just had to wait for a miscarriage to happen. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday we did nothing. We didn't go anywhere, we didn't talk to anyone. Saturday I got a call from the doctor saying my blood results had gone up from 10,000 to 24,000 which was still low and proved further that I would miscarry.

By Tuesday nothing had happened. I was still having all my pregnancy symptoms, but I was going to Vegas in a week for school and knew I couldn't run the risk of getting the miscarriage while in Vegas, besides the fact that carrying around my baby that was never going to grow was sickening to me. I wanted it out, I wanted it over with. Especially the fact that they said my body could go weeks more without realizing it had died, so that day I decided to go and get the pill. When I came into the office my doctor sat me down and said that he was concerned and didn't want me to take the pill yet. He said it concerned him the my HCG had gone up as much as it had and that he "didn't want to be wrong." He told me that my case was the strangest case he had ever seen, and at this point I was the exception to the rule. He had talked with several other doctors and they all felt it was necessary to wait till they had all the information. He wanted me to come back on Friday to do another ultrasound to see if they could see anything this time. It was really really hard not getting my hopes up. Part of my wanted so badly for them to be wrong and this all just be a big misunderstanding, but part of me just wanted to accept that this was going to end in miscarriage and just come to term with it and move on.

By Friday I was exactly 8 weeks. I was terrified to go in to the doctor's office. I didn't know what they were going to say. This time the most experienced ultrasound tech, a new doctor and an intern student where all there to witness my final ultrasound. It was a full house, but I laughed and told them it was ok, so many people had seen my goodies the last couple weeks, why not a couple more? I was much more calm by then, and felt I was willing to accept anything they had to say, even though I was crossing my fingers for a magic heartbeat. I asked the tech if I could please see the ultrasound monitor since I hadn't been given the opportunity to yet, and he said he would talk me through everything we would see. He began the vaginal ultrasound and he pulled up on a little empty sac. I looked at it as he swiveled around different angles. He was very kind and let me ask as many questions as I wanted. He told me that by now at 8 weeks they for SURE should hear a heartbeat and that my gestational sac was only measuring 6 weeks still. He told me that this happens quite frequently in pregnancy and what happened to me was mearly a "fluke" and it was unlikely to happen again. That made me feel better, especially since I never knew if I would have trouble getting pregnant from my ovarian cysts in the past.

After the ultrasound we decided we would get the forced miscarriage pill cytotec, and I would take it the day after I got back from Vegas. I went to Vegas this last week, and although I had a great time, it reminded me of the fact that I was still pregnant every time I saw a picture of myself or looked in the mirror and saw my little baby bump. Yes, I already had a little bump, while to anyone else it just looks like I have just gotten fat. That sucked. Having to carry around this baby and know it was all in vain. I couldn't wait till I got back and took this pill.

Friday came and I got ready to take the pill. The doctor prescribed me percocet and anti-nausea medicine since Im allergic to narcotics of all kinds. The doctor told me that for some women a miscarriage will be very painful and it will feel like the worst period of her life....ummm that was an understatement. I was sad to take them because in a way if felt like I was choosing to abort this baby, I wasn't but the fact that I was doing this made me feel completely responsible. I took the pills around 7:30 pm and fell asleep with Scott watching Jersey Shore. By 10 pm I was so uncomfortable I got down on the floor and began rolling around in pain. By 10 it did feel like the worst period cramps of my life, by 11 pm it hurt as bad as my worst ovarian cysts (and those HURT. LIKE. HELL) by 11:30 I was uncontrollable, my pain killers weren't even working at all. I was trashing around in pain, vomiting everywhere, screaming at the top of my lungs. I could never explain to you how horrible and painful this miscarriage was. I truly thought I was going to die. My ovarian cysts that made me think I was going to die before were seriously a walk in the park compared to this. I literally had no shame. I screamed and screamed, I crawled into the kitchen and puked all over the floor, I even passed out once from the pain. By midnight I thought to myself I can't do this one more minute, I wanted to be dead. I repeatedly told Scott "I can't do this, I can't!" At that point he took me to the ER. I was in such pain by the time I got in there, they couldn't even get an accurate reading on my blood pressure, so I was put in a wheelchair and pushed back into a room where they had to lift the guardrails on my stretcher to keep me from rolling off. I was bleeding all over the place and I didn't even care. I just wanted the pain to stop. I hobbled over to the bathroom at one point and a male nurse followed me saying that he needed a urine sample. He fumbled with the cup and I took the liberty of pulling down my pants and yelling at him to get out and shut the door. Yes I was a monster. After that they hooked me up to an IV full of Dulodid. The last thing I remember is asking them when it was going to start working. After that I don't remember a thing. About 2 am I woke up and they came in to tell me that while on the Dulodid my stats dropped and my potassium was really low, they said they were going to send me home and told Scott how to administer my medicine in cycles of the next hours to ensure that I didn't end up there again. I asked the nurse if women having miscarriages where ever in the ER for them cause they were so painful, she said yes, for many women it is as painful as mine. That made me feel better to know that I wasn't abnormal.

As soon as the unhooked me from the IV and was sent home, I could feel the pain starting in again. I told Scott I would not let it get that bad again, and I would be going to the ER sooner next time. After begging and pleading for my pain killers, Scott said it was finally time to take them. I don't remember much, but what I do remember is my amazingly loving husband waking up every 2-4 hours to give me a new rotation of medicine. I didn't get out of bed once Saturday, I didn't get out of bed at all today. I just have slept and tried to re cooperate from this awful experience. I know now why some women wait to have children after a miscarriage, its not because its too emotionally scarring, its because it really really screws you up. When I was at the worst point of pain on Friday I actually said to myself that I never want to have anymore kids. I think at that moment I actually meant it.

So there you have it, I finally miscarried our baby at exactly 9 weeks, one week shy of when we planned to announce our pregnancy, on our year anniversary. So instead of it being a joyous occassion for us, it's kind of a sad humbling one. I didn't want to come out about the miscarrage until I actually had it, its kind of hard to explain to someone that you are "going to have one". It was even harder for me because people were finding out about my miscarriage before I had even come out that I was pregnant. The last couple weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for us. Finding out our baby was gone, thinking maybe it was alive, finding out for sure it was gone, and going through the most painful ordeal of my life. I talked to my mom about whether I was ever going to actually come out and talk about this. We both concluded that it would probably be therapeutic for me to open up and get some of my pain out there, and maybe I would be surprised by the love and support I received from it. Many women have miscarriages, and everyone is different. But one thing is for sure, no one can understand that pain until you go through it yourself. I want to thank Scott, my wonderful husband who has done nothing but care for me and cater to my every need the last month. He truly is the biggest blessing in my life, and I can't thank Heavenly Father enough for him.

I know this has been a huge struggle for us, and in the end we lost our baby, but we are happy that we know the eternal plan God has for us, we are happy to know that our angel baby is back in heaven, and we know that that baby was not meant to be born. How lucky we are for heavenly father to have such mercy on us and a baby that the doctors said would have had SEVERE problems if it had made it past being born. We know that we will have more children eventually and our family will eternally be complete. I have tried to keep looking at the bright side of this, that Heavenly Father was being so kind and sympathetic to us to have us find out early that the baby was not alive, because some women don't find out their baby died until their first ultrasound at 9 or 10 weeks. I believe he caused me to have that pain in my stomach (they never did find the source of it, and it has never happened again) I think it was to get us to go to the hospital, and for that Im grateful. Heavenly Father does love us, and this trail will only make us stronger.