Remembering Scarlett

On June 6th, 2009 My sister Rachael gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. Her name was Scarlett Hope Gamel and this is her story, and my experience. From the moment I laid on her I knew I was in love. I think I even joked saying "so this is what being in love feels like...". Rachael had already had a little boy, and although I loved Greyson SO much, there is just something amazing about a soft, adorable, sweet, perfect, cuddly baby girl.

I wanted to hold her every second, not just because she was my niece and I was obsessed with the newest baby in our family, but because she was different. Something was special about Scarlett than other babies I had ever held, it's not cause I loved her more cause she was my flesh and blood, but because she was perfect in nearly everyway. Scarlett never cried, she never fused, she was just peaceful; she was the perfect baby.

A few weeks after being born Scarlett was admitted to the NICU at the Parker Adventist Hospital. She was diagnosed with acid reflux and was having trouble keeping her milk down, and gaining weight. I remember feeling nervous every minute of the day when she was in the hospital, I thought about her constantly. I wanted more than anything for my sister to enjoy the baby she deserved for all the trial and tribulations in her life. Scarlett was released and she steadily became better and better as the days went on. No one could have expected anything to go wrong.

September 6th 2009 was the last time I saw Scarlett alive. It was the day of her baby blessing. Rachael had been putting it off for sometime but that we she had set it up with the intense feeling that it needed to be done as soon as possible. That sunday my husband Scott, along with my dad, and other members of our ward helped bless Scarlett, she was blessed in the same blessing dress me and each of my sisters had been blessed in. The blessing was gorgeous and for the rest of the day I held her at church, getting kind of defensive about anyone that would try to take her from me, divine intuition perhaps. But none the less I was inclinded to take several pictures of her on my phone, and after we got home that night, I took several more pictures on my camera as we enjoyed the night. We packed Scarlett in the car and I kissed her forehead goodbye. I was truly telling her goodbye and I didnt even know it yet.

Septemeber 10th was a Thursday and I was home sick from work, I had left my apartment for half an hour to run to the store and get a can of soup and left my phone at home. When I returned I had 15 text messages and missed phone calls, some from Scott telling me to call my mom asap and most from my mom herself. I called my mom back immediently with the sickest pit of dread in my stomach, something was wrong. When my mom answered she was crying, not the normal crying, this was different, I had never heard her cry like this before. It was the kind of cry I have only imagined I would hear from my mom, thinking about unfortuante events that could happen in my life. This was that cry.

I can honestly say that I could feel myself hold my breath, It felt like time stopped, completly stood still and it like an eternity of anxiety and horror waiting that I was stuck in, something I would dread to ever have to feel again. It was a few seconds before my mom finally said "Morgan, Scarlett is dead." I don't remember much about that moment and how I ended up on my kitchen floor. I imagine I fell to my knees, and then onto my stomach. Tears came and came and came, before I think I even totally comprehended the situation. Shock. Scarlett? How could Scarlett have died? I saw her 4 days ago. I thought there had to have been some mistake, somehow I though my mom might have confused her with Rachael. But I just laid there, in the fetal poistion, gripping the carpet I had crawled to in my dining room, and I just screamed and cried into the phone.

My parents bishop took the phone from my mom, he told me that they were at the hospital and that they were going to send his wife to come get me. I refused. I need to go there now. I could not wait, I was hysterical but waiting would make it worse. I gained my composure and declined as I got in my own car. I was instructed to drive safely. I did drive safely, I was not sad the drive to Aurora, I was numb. When I got to hospital I was lead to the family quiet room, the place where they take you after your loved one is dead. You never want to have to be in that room. I was greeted by the bishop, the Relief Society president, my parents best friends, and every member of my family except Rachael. No one could get ahold of her, her phone was broken. Hours past, and Rachael was finally escorted by police to the hospital, they found her trying to buy a new phone. When she arrived we had to watch as Rachael was informed the news. There is nothing like literally watching someone's heart break. I had never seen it in my life, and hope I never do again. Nothing puts raw human emotion into perspetive like watching someone's heart break and you can see it though their whole body, followed by panic and hysteria. I didnt see much of my sister that night, she was escort away, there were a lot of police reports that needed to be written, statements, and grieving she needed to go with her husbands family in the next room. The family quiet room was stuffy. I didn't like to be in there, and every 20 minutes or so I had to step out. It was a nice gesture for them to bring in a cart full of food, cookies, drinks for us. But food did not look appetizing in the least, every though my mom's friend insisted we eat and bought my sisters and I each sandwhichs. She knew we would forget to eat if we didn't. We prayed more that night then we ever have as individuals, and as a family. We each took turns saying a prayer. They were muffled by tears, and kleenex.

I stepped outside lots of times that night. I had to call Scott and update him on what was gonig on and what they found out. His dad was preparing to buy him a flight out for the funeral. I also recieved a lot of calls from my aunts, and grandparents. Being in the hopspital was too hard, but being outside, watching the perfect sunset was almost harder. Knowing that she was gone, was surreal. That night we left the hospital around 11. Although we didnt go to sleep till 1. Courtney and I slept on the couch, with the tv on, we didnt want to be alone. The tv distracted. It was the kind where you have to have a distraction from realiity to dull the pain. When I woke up the next morning it was 7. For a moment I didnt remember, but then I heard my mom crying on the phone in the next room. It was real, and that was the hardest part to understand.

Over the next few days, we recieved so many phone calls, so many visitors, so many meals, so many flowers, so much love. Over the next few days we also found out Scarlett's result from her autopsy. She had infact passed away in her sleep from SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. We took solace in knowing that she was sleeping and that the passing was nearly if not all painless, and very quick. Rachael's husband had laid her down for a nap after feeding her around 12:30 and when he checked on her around 3 she had already passed, there was nothing he could have changed to save her. The memorial was sad, but joyus for Scarlett and her Celestial happiness. The funeral was sombering, but had closure to an extent. We were happy to realize that Scarlett had been blessed before her death, and all the pictures I had taken that sunday were some of the only recent pictures we had of her. The following days, weeks, and months have been far from easy. Scarlett was too young to have died so quickly. I often wonder what she would look like today, how she would act, what she would wear, if she would be talking. But I take comfort in knowing that sweet Scarlett is with out Heavenly Father. She was too perfect for this world. She was too special. I miss Scarlett, she was such a blessing, and now that I have have had the great pleasure and luck to know her, I feel a piece missing eveytime I see my family. I know the plan of Heavenly Father and I feel so blessed that she is one of God's chosen children who is residing with him as we speak. She is looking over us right now, and anticiapting the day we can join her again as a family.

I try not to talk about Scarlett too much, I dont put too much on Facebook about her. I don't like to talk about it. That is how I deal with my pain. And long as I don't talk about it as much, don't think about it as much, it doesnt hurt so bad. But it has been a year since her death and Scarlett needs to be remembered, for all that she was, all the ways she has blessed our lives, and all the ways she will continue to bless out lives. She may have been young, she may have been small. But she was my family and I love her.

Thank you to everyone who helped ease my families pain this last year. Thank you to Bishop Turnbow and his wife, Minnie Fernilius, Vince and Lois Delatore, Chris and Leonard Fifita, and Ron McPhail for being there for my family the night of her passing. Thank you to EVERYONE who made meals, and sent cards and flowers. Thank you to everyone who called and checked on us and Rachael. Thank you to everyone who attened her memorial or funeral. Thank you my old school Primrose for being so understanding and flexible with my work, for sending flowers, and encouraging parents to donate to her memorial fund. Thank you to anyone and everyone who made this year more comfortable for us. We love you.