Ever had a awful, no good, very bad day that lasted for forever? Thats about where I am at. So lately I have been SUCH and I mean SUCH a debbie downer, mr.grumpy gills, whiney little boob. You get the idea. I have been battling everything I could possibly battle in my everyday life. Money and bills have for sure been at the top of that list. It is SO hard living in Utah and making the bare minimum in pay with both Scott and my jobs. In colorado I was making almost 2 and half dollars more an hour, and now I am actually the only one teaching the classes...shouldn't that mean I should make more?? That does not make sense to me. It seems like we work so hard and our normal bills are almost matching what we bring in. It makes me really really worried about having a child anytime soon. Plus Scott is still on the fence about whether or not he wants to continue pursuing Mechanical Engineering. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when there is...well...basically no tunnel at all.
Work has been stressful because my kids and much more unstable and unruly here than in Colorado. Granted many of them come from divorced homes, young single mothers, very low income families, and immigrant who do not speak english, but still. It is alot harder because I teach 2 different classes. Pre Kindergarten in the morning and Preschool in the afternoon. Trust me. Preparing lesson plans for 2 classes for every day of the week is getting overwhelming.
I have been battling self esteem issues lately too. UGH something about marriage causes you let yourself go a little bit. I thought it would be the other way around, since you have someone to impress now, but that is not my case. I have watched my lovely legs turn into jello, my bottom turn from muscle to fat, my stomach is carrying a constant food baby, and for the first time ever in my life, I have armpit fat. WTH??????!!!! I have not tanned since 2 weeks before our wedding and well, I have gone downhill in tanness very quickly. People keep saying "oh well it is summer soon! you will get tan then!" REALLY???? when? when Im done teaching everyday at 5:30 and the sun is going down? yup. Not to mention my skin is going through a second puberty. Basically I feel like I hit my peak...oh 2 years ago and its all down hill from here. Im sure I am being way too hard on myself, but quite honestly when you are so stressed in your life, you cannot help but critique the crap out of yourself.
I am starting to really hate Utah. Provo is really overcrowded and not to mention Utah drivers are by far the worst drivers I have ever experienced. I feel like I belong in Colorado. We don't feel like this is home. I mean I go home and I dont feel totally totally comfortable. I never felt that way at my apartment in Littleton and I still don't. I think some of that is knowing that this is not a permanent living situation. I think once we have kids too that maybe we will finally settle down in a place and make roots. Im sure then we will feel like home. But as for now Utah is on my list of places I would rather not live again.
Today I think I hit my brick wall. I had a MASSIVE freak out. Like numbing, brain exploding, did I seriously just do that? freak out. I wanted something simple. I wanted a spicy chicken go wrap and a coke from wendy's. I went during my break and not to mention I was stuck behind the slowest old man I had ever seen. I was about to be late for work, but was so hungry. I finally got over 2 lanes of traffic to the wendy's only to find out the parking lot between it was fenced off and I had to get back on the previous busy street and if you know state street in provo...omg. Well I finally got to the drive thru and order my simple go wrap. I pull up to the window to get it and the girl didnt even know what I ordered!!! finally she gives me the coke and my bag. As I pull away I reach into the bag and pull out 2 sandwhiches. I flipped a U'ie and as I did my coke toppled over onto the floor and all over my pants and I watched it soak into the carpet of my husbands very nice Dodge Ram that I was driving. I think something in my brain broke :( I got out of the car, threw the cup with ice everywhere. Grabbed the bag, walked up to the drive thu window, yes I said walked up, put my arm threw the pay window and handed them the bag and demanded my chicked go wrap. Im sure I looked like a totally crazy biotch! But they don't know the stress I am under haha. I had to spend the next half an hour going back home and changing my clothes and cleaning out the carpet in the car, which by the way was useless.
Well I promise I am not crazy I just needed to vent. I just have had a really bad time lately. But at least I get the blessing of my wonderful husband bringing me home a single rose and a card to make me feel better, and my wonderful neighbors to invite us over for sushi and edamame and to play super mario on the wii for hours. At least I have that.
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteHang in there! Moving to a new place can be really hard and stressful. I had a very, very hard time when we first moved to California and now I LOVE it! I really don't understand your comments about you going downhill. It seems like you get prettier every time I see you. When my sister saw your wedding pics she called me and said you look like a movie star. It will get better!